Today is my forty third birthday. Since I am taking the day off, I figured I’d just lay around and enjoy what turned out to be a warm and sunny October day. Bright and early, my mother called to wish me well, second only to Adrienne, how sweet it be? *
Anyhow…. later today, between 10 and 10:30, I drove to Berkeley to once again ingest the world’s largest frozen bucket of acidophilus and ice cream headaches. As I stood there, nearly unconscious, helplessly wolfing some type 2, I came to thinking that not so long ago; twenty three years, to be more or less exact; that it was I, who felt remarkably like these misshapen college grads…….
Not to be outshunned between classes, I sat on the UC’s lawn to take in the sun; a vain and failed attempt at warming the temperature within and these reptilian brains therein. Just then, and not a decade to soon, I suddenly and inexplicably recalled that my newfound friend “Mauzner” had Saturday mentioned: “Don’t you know, you can mail order whores on Craigslist !“. **
Not to be outdone, I picked up my iPhone(a gift) and started surfing Craigslist for pussy…. and then some, Aie papi!!!…… Men seeking woman, woman seeking man, men seeking men, women seeking women, LGBTs seeking men, men seeking LGBTs, humanity seeking relief, morning glory, that sort of thing…..
First off, I can’t believe I did not know about this until last saturday evening, what’s wrong with me? It’s not like I have never surfed Craig’s crevasses or something. Nevertheless, there it is, under “services”, between “event” and “creative”. If that’s not a happy ending, I wouldn’t know it, if it were to hit me!
It’s my birthday and I can only imagine what you’re thinking, but no, I did not indulge and call one in. I am like Mauzner, afraid of diseases, and given the circumstances and the collegiate supernunnery surrounding me, I wisely opted not to call it in.
But now that I think of it, this here fortuitous scene, might make for the perfect symbiosis of iPhone advertising, that thirty second clip on your TV screen. Mauzner, “it’s my birthday gift to you, kid”…. “Think of it as your big “YouTube” directorial debut, baby”!
Scene one: iphone fades in…. quirky iPhone acoustics chimes in….dirty little finger points and clicks on the mapquest GUI……dirty little finger on the mapquest GUI searches for pussy….” “san fran frisky shemale + seeks + dirty Latin” “…… map zooms in and there you is …. “gorgeous shemale Latin“, so beautiful, and functional too, papi !….. dirty finga scrolls and calls….. iPhone tunes in, cute capitalist music fades to….. iPhone ringing….. gorgeous shemale Latin picks up her phone…..” Aie papi, jew wanna play, jew wanna play papi”?
For those of you, who like me, have not had that Browse me long time feeling of these erotic services birthday wishes that is Craigslist, I highly recommend it.
Just remember that if you are not a member of the student body, or faculty, and are browsing for craigslist’s pussy on the premises of the UCB; it is wise to cover your dirty doings with an overcoat or any other, similarly shaped, protective shield.
And BTW,not that you don’t know this already; in this life, or the next, they don’t offer rebates for pussy; on my or anyone else’s birthday….. sadly……
Happy birthday to me anyway. “Thank you Mommy, I could never have written this entry without thee….!”
*My 12 year old son, Raphael, looked dazed and confused, when I asked him if he wasn’t forgetting a little something. After thinking it over he blurted out, “Happy retirement”. I came within an inch of turning coffee into a finely aerosolized mist. Where he got that idea beats me, but it might forever be, the best birthday greeting I have ever received.
**(Now, now, I would not want to start any rumors or anything but knowing a little something of his personality(he lives in my neighborhood in San Francisco) and having photographed him a few times for honey, I wouldn’t be surprised if he wasn’t sometimes tempted to call in a few “ladies”, to satisfy his needs for a little “R&D”).
My new favorite ASCCI: (.Y.) . It means big tits.